My daughter Chloe was born sleeping on May 27, 1989. We did not know she died, till I started labor, several hours later. We were at a saturday matinee: my husband Alec and our son, Matt. Looking back; I remembered feeling her move during the movie, a different kind of movement; which I didn't pay much attention to at the time. It has taken a long time to forgive myself. How does a mother not know when her baby dies?
I am writing this blog as a tribute to my children. After a many years of not conceiving, we sadly stopped treatments.
I chose the title of my blog because I am a mother to one living child and several born sleeping children. Some were very early, my last, Chloe; was full term. We were given no explanations.
There are many blogs authored by mothers who have more recent losses compared to mine. My blog is from the perspective of mother past childbearing years; whose children are in their 20's and thirties. So I've lived without my children's physical presence for over many decades. My story is how I kept the love I had for them. We had many questions. Some were answered with great pain, and some were never answered. In the end the one we could answer was "what do we do with the love?" There were decisions we made on a road given to us by loss. This blog is about experiences traveled with a twenty+ year perspective. We choose the path.
My living child, Matt; had a heart transplant 11 years ago. As with Chloe, he surprised us. At 21, few suspect heart failure (fatal cardiomyopathy w/o a heart transplant). He was diagnosed and transplanted within 72 hours. Luckily, he is a happy and healthy 32 yr old young man newly married to the love of his life: Christina.
Children give us challenges as parents, whether they are physically with us or not. We've learned that to open our hearts to love, we must also honor their unthinkable loss.
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