I've been revising my talk for the SHARE conference, Friday 11/04/2011. I've immersed myself in it for the past 3 weeks. I've given this talk twice a year for the past 10+ years and each time I review the grief literature. I always find something surprising and "new" to share as a lecturer. I also take the review as an opportunity to reflect on how far I've come with my grief, as a bereaved mother. I am still surprised how I can be triggered after 22 years. While in school, in the 70's I learned the "traditional" approach to grief. As a therapist and in light of my experience professionally and personally, I view the traditional approach as limited in scope.
One of the terms I frequently hear is "recovery". I've never felt "recovered" in grief. I don't think recovery explains anything for me. The traditional approach states one reaches an end to grief and "bonds" must be broken. I didn't go back to how I once was. I didn't break my bonds. My children are very much a part of me. I wonder what this means to others in their grief.
I'm assigned the topic of "complicated" grief. I struggle with this as a mother, a therapist and a lecturer. What is normal about losing a baby? Isn't it all "complicated"? My quality of life was severely disrupted on and off for years. I felt the unease/judgment of people I talked with. In the Traditional approach my grief would be labeled as complicated. The traditional approach states "complications" occur when feelings are not "worked thru"; when too much or too little feelings are exhibited. Unresolved, absent, or delayed grief can also occur. I've come to the conclusion there are no easy answers. How to communicate this in my presentation? The term "complicated" in the traditional sense means one didn't "work thru" their feelings "correctly" and in a timely manner, usually 1 year.
For those who have never experienced grief, to suddenly & traumatically experience it for the first time (or repeated times): the reactions to the chaos grief brings can be : "it's not going to end, I feel "crazy". I want to be "normal" like everyone else, "I want it to be the way it was". Some may work very hard to go back to "before". It took longer than a year for me to answer: What do I do with the love? Am I still a parent, to how many children? I spent many years thinking about these questions and more years feeling comfortable talking about my answers. According to the traditional approach, this would be a complication in grief.
I was taught; and continue to read and hear from others, there are time limits and stages for grief: a beginning, & an end that follows a timeline with stages of grief. Many people believe this. I used to. Maybe these rules apply, maybe not. Yet, I've not known anyone whose grief follow these timelines or stages, including my own and my husband. I wonder if those who are newly bereaved use these to "measure" themselves.
I don't understood the concept of "working thru" in the traditional model's focus on feeling the feelings. The assumption is that everyone will go thru intense feelings and depression, bonds will be broken, and in the end, will come out as before (maybe that's what recovery is). If feelings are not worked thru, "complications" happen. I had intense despair and depression and survived on auto pilot or inert in bed. I felt I needed to do this. My husband did not (the traditional term for him would be "absent" grief). We had quarrels because I thought he didn't care. We've learned our biology, personality and life experiences are different. We grieved differently.
I've decided
My new rules about grief:
My definition for "complicated" perinatal grief: complying or following rules that may not apply to you, particularly when trying to find a way to "recover"....produces more despair.
My definition for "normal" would be: finding a way to stay connected with your baby that fits who you are.
I wish I had understood this when Chloe died.
I believe grief is affected by social interactions. It is a healing gift from someone who understands. For me, it's still a minority. People are more empathic to when I state my cat died. I sometimes test this by tracking the responses when I say my cat died vs. my baby was born sleeping. My cat gets a better response. This includes my family.
A few years ago, my Ph.D (in nursing) sister; (a very prominent and respected educator) returned Chloe's picture album I had given her. She said they were my pictures and she was giving them back!! I guess I should return all the pics I have of her daughter and grand-daughter with the same explanation. Or return my dead father's pictures to my mother with the same explanation!! My husband and I had a good chuckle about it. I tell this story because it is a family theme. Even the most highly educated and experienced; including those closest to you can "blow it big time".
My healing interactions are being a mother to Chloe, and being parents with my husband. We have lively conversations and often talk about "what do you think Chloe would say?"
That's why every time I get my what is "complicated perinatal grief"assignment I spend lots of time trying to figure out How do I define "complicated' perinatal grief ?
